6 Reasons You Keep Ending Up In Toxic Relationships

It's an age-old pattern….”The next person I date will be the one.” “My standards will be higher this time.” But every time, you end up in another miserable relationship. The addict, the cheater, the freeloader, the emotionally unavailable... But what if there is a part of you that feels safe and cozy in a bad relationship? - “NO! Absolutely not, I hate living this way!” Of course you do, but locating this truth is not about blaming or shaming yourself; it's about acknowledging the way that the pattern has been serving you and why you keep landing in it. When patterns repeat in your life, there is a good chance that there is a part of you that is gravitating towards and revolving around that pattern with the belief that something good is coming out of it. In toxic relationships, you can dodge true vulnerability, validate your own low self-esteem, feel passion and excitement, feel SOMETHING at all, and you know the break-up is inevitable, which sometimes softens the blow just enough that it's worth it. 

Sometimes the part of you that returns to unhealthy relationships is also the part of you that protects you from the healthy ones, and all the scary things that come with it. Sometimes the parts of us that are causing the hurt are also the parts of us with misguided or outdated understandings of how to protect us from even worse pain. Holding space for anger and pain about the way others have hurt us and mistreated us is valid, justified, and important so that we know it's not our fault for how others choose to treat us. But if you want to break the cycle, you have to find what it is in yourself that feels comfortable on the hamster wheel of drama and heartbreak. 

Here are 6 hidden reasons you keep ending up in unhealthy relationships:

1. A part of you has accepted the love you think you are worthy of.

   1. Some part of you believes this is as good as it can get, or that this is the love you deserve. “Why aim higher when this is the best I can do?” - This belief is rooted in low self-esteem, and is deserving of your undivided attention. What makes you think you don’t deserve better, and why is it making your dating decisions?

2. A healthy relationship might ask things of you that an unhealthy one doesn’t.

   1. Rupture and repair work, regulating your emotions when triggered, compromise, and healthy interdependence may sound overwhelming and deeply vulnerable. Fighting, self-abandonment, and sitting in the hurt may be painful, but they can also shields us from facing the part of us that is terrified of abandonment and separation. It allows us to remain passive on our journey of getting real with ourselves, saying NO, and moving on when we know we should. 

3. You fear the pain of losing a relationship that actually meets your needs.

   1. A healthy, stable relationship feels great. So great that the idea of breaking up might sound too painful to even risk. With instability comes a conscious or unconscious understanding that the end is in sight somehwere, so some part of you can feel prepared for it. An expected loss of a crappy partner is a lot easier to cope with than the unexpected loss of a relationship we feel truly seen and loved in.

4. A part of you fears or avoids true intimacy.

   1. Something inside you screams “NO!” at the thought of having to connect with someone on a deeper level. Being the full scope of who you are in front of someone else may feel too vulnerable, deeply uncomfortable, or even dangerous.  

5. A part of you wants to retain emotional independence.

   1. Mature interdependence can sound suffocating or scary if it is unfamiliar. Your unhealthy relationship might leave you feeling unloved, but you also don’t have to face the fear of having to live up to someone else’s expectations or participate in meeting someone else’s relational needs in a real way.

6. A part of you feels alive in the chaos.

   1. If your nervous system learned that love and chaos are a package deal, intensity may feel more familiar than calm. Pain, passion, yearning, anger…all of these are highly stimulating and sometimes exciting emotional experiences, and can easily be mistaken for chemistry. 

So how do you break the pattern? Ultimately, that goes beyond the scope of this article and may require the help of a therapist specialized in attachment trauma. But to give you a place to start, here are some first steps you can take:

• Stop, and be bored. Go on a dating cleanse. See what it's like to be alone, and practice tolerating the distress of the boredom, fearfulness, and loneliness of not being in a relationship. Do things YOU like to do, and if you don’t know what those are, it's time to find them! Browse a museum at your own pace, take a solo hike, or even go out to dinner by yourself.

• Get clear about your relationship fears, ideals, wants, needs, and desires. Talk to a therapist who can help you tease these out and identify what you want out of a relationship, and what you’re afraid of about relationships. What are you yearning for and what scares you about it? 

• Learn to see your value. If you don’t believe you deserve better, you won’t go looking for it. You have to learn to treat yourself the way you want to be treated. How you treat yourself sets the example for whoever you invite into your life. 

And finally, seek safety. If you are in an abusive relationship, financially dependent on your partner, or in any other situation that keeps you functionally stuck in an unhealthy or dangerous relationship, seek professional help, local resources, and social connection. If you are currently experiencing domestic abuse, this article is not designed to guide you out. Call 800-799-7233 or text 88788 to connect with the National Domestic Violence Hotline.